


Please never hate me

by Deancebra



Series: Please!verse [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Baker Gabriel, Beta Gabriel, Beta Sam, Bottom Gabriel, Bottom Sam, Character Death, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Guilty Sam, Heartbreak, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Sam Winchester, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Child Abuse, Poor Gabriel, Pregnancy, Protective Sam Winchester, Sam Being an Asshole, Sam Hates Himself, Self-Esteem Issues, Smut, Top Gabriel, Top Sam, extreme version of survivors guilt, mentions of mpreg
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-28
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-09-12 23:20:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 17,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9095116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deancebra/pseuds/Deancebra
Summary: *can be read as a stand-alone work* John Winchester had never been quiet about his view on male/male relationships, secondary genders aside. Weak faggots would never be allowed in his house. One drunk night Sam ends in bed with another man. He was just curious, right? And pretty drunk.But what he had not expected was how something preached by his dad to be so wrong, felt so right. How quickly he could fall in love with someone John would never accept.So Sam tries to fall out of love. He finds Jessica, lives with her, but never really manages to love her the way she deserves. Luck has never been on the side of a Winchester, and Sam is left alone with their child, grieving and filled with guilt. And in love with the man he hurt so badly. Will the youngest brother ever accept his feelings and the rightness of being with someone you love?





	1. What should have been a one-night stand

**Author's Note:**

> This piece can either be read as a stand alone thing or as part of the series. I will try to update both "please stand by me" and this so that there will be spoilers in neither for the other one. If there is spoilers I will warn in the beginning-notes of the chapter. 
> 
> This is with the main focus on Sam, his emotions and his screwing around and finding himself. Gabe/Sam is not mentioned in "Please don't judge me" because neither Dean or Cas knows anything about it at the time the story takes place. 
> 
> This does not mean that I am giving up on the Destiel sequel, just that I am working on both :D
> 
> I hope you guys enjoy this. Please let me know what you think!

Sam had been fascinated by the smaller man all the time he had known him. At first he had thought it was the confidence, the bad-ass attitude and how he never let anyone screw him over. But as it turned out, it was a lot more than that, Sam learned. He was love in the purest form, protective over Cas the way Sam was over Dean. Worried too much, cared too much about everyone except himself. Sam wanted nothing more than to scoop him up in his arms and take care. Make sure he never hurt again.

What Sam had not expected was that he would be the one to hurt him.

 

Cas had celebrated his birthday. Sam and Dean had been there as well as a few other friends. The dark-haired alpha had never really been one for big parties or having too many friends. Sam was glad that he was not, because in that case he would never have been able to drag Dean with him. Honestly, his brother needed to get out. Sam knew that he struggled with attending parties and such, and being there with people he knew and trusted would be a huge step forward.

Everyone was invited for a cozy dinner, which turned out to be a shit ton of fun. Sam had never met any of Castiel’s other friends before, but they were surprisingly sweet and easy to be around.

It humored the beta how everyone around the table seemed to pick up how in love Cas was, when the alpha himself was not aware of his actions and Dean continued to act like it was something just done between friends. Deans actions spoke for themselves, though. Sam knew what his brother looked like when having a crush.

After the other guests had left Sam and Dean stayed for further drinks and games.

“We will play drunk-poker!” Gabriel exclaimed, Cas moaning in protest.

“You cheater, you know I suck at poker!” The alpha protested. “It is my birthday, I get to pick the games.”

“Then pick something else.”

Cas did not pick another game, claiming that none of those they had would be good for getting drunk, but he protested when he was the first to take a shot never the less.

“Sam needs double shots!” Dean suddenly said from his right. “He is at the least double as big as the rest of us, so he needs more shots than we do.”

“Dude, that is not even English!” Sam tried to protest, but it was drowned out in Cas and Gabe cheeringly agreeing on the suggestion.

 

And that was pretty much how Sam Winchester ended up being pretty damned drunk, eating pizza only wearing his boxers in Gabriel and Castiel’s living room. With Gabriel, who was wearing boxers and a button-down shirt. He was looking hot like that, hair tossed and cheeks flushed from the alcohol. And goddamit if he was not moaning at the first bit. Suddenly the youngest Winchester was very, very happy that he had a pizza box over his lap, because wearing boxers did not leave him with the option of hiding his interested dick. And very extremely happy that his brother and Cas had gone to bed hours earlier, leaving Gabriel and Sam to get drunker and order pizza.

But he had to agree with Gabriel’s moaning. Either he was too drunk, or that was the best pizza he had ever in his life had!

“Oh god!” he managed between bites. “This is divine!”

“I know I am good looking.” Gabriel agreed. He then proceeded to learn forward, snatching a piece of Sam’s pizza.

“Hey! Mine!” The longhaired beta protested, then hurried to try and steal a piece of Gabriel’s. Unfortunately for him, the shorter man had foreseen that and moved his pizza out of reach. Growling Sam put down his own pizza box, leaning over Gabe in a try to get his pizza. Gabriel simply responded by leaning even further back in the sofa, forcing Sam to hover over him in his attempt of getting a slice of pizza.

Suddenly a hand around his neck made him stop in his attempt of getting the pizza. Wide eyes where starring at him, the soft looking lips slightly parted. Sam completely forgot why he was over Gabe for a moment, just starring at him with eyes there had to be equally wide.

“You know… We could move this to my bedroom?” Gabriel suggested, his wryly, smug smile back in place.

“Eating pizza in bed? I am so game!” Sam agreed, nodding enthusiastically. Drunk him figured that it was exactly what Gabe meant.

The smaller man drew their faces closer together until the point where Sam could feel the soft puffs of air each time Gabriel exhaled. He smelled like pizza, booze and something sweet that belonged to only him. Sam closed his eyes for a moment, trying to get a hold of himself. Then he realized exactly what it was Gabe had suggested with moving it to the bedroom. It had nothing to do with pizzas.

“Not pizzas you sasquatch.”

“No pizzas in bed.” He agreed, feeling Gabriel shifting underneath him. Soft lips touched his and for a moment they were gentle. They did not stay that way however; Gabriel kissed him like his life depended on it, and Sam was more than down with that. Or up, depending on which body part you asked.

“Bedroom.” Sam repeated, breathless.

Gabriel did not waste time saying more, instead he simply took his pizza-box, nodded towards Sam’s and left for his room. Sam was not even a second behind him, pizza in his hand as well. Having sex and then eat pizza? How was he supposed to say no to that?

 

Pizzas where quickly placed on the bedtable, both men busy with conquering each other’s lips. The kisses they shared were heated and filled with passion and desires that both had denied reacting on for so long. Sam got a hold on Gabriel’s shirt, drawing him closer. He had never thought about how great an erection pressing against his thigh would feel, never thought he would caress the hardness of a man’s body. But he did and he loved it.

Sam had meant to be gentle with the shirt, trying to get it off Gabriel while still kissing him. It turned out that gentle was far from his style, buttons clattering to the floor as he ripped it off his lover.

For a moment he stared at one button which kept spinning, then the older man reminded his drunk brain that there were more important things than that. Sam let himself be manhandled, pushed back into the edge of the bed.

“Sit.” Gabe ordered and Sam barely managed to do so before he was straddled, bringing them in the same height. It had never occurred to him that Gabe would be bossy in bed.

“You know… I have never…” Sam hesitated, fearing that he destroyed the moment. But no matter how drunk he was, he was still just a bit nervous. And goddammit if the thought of being fucked by Gabriel did not make him want more in a way that was almost painful.

“Been with a man?” Gabriel asked, a softness in his eyes and voice that Sam had never heard. Gentle fingers stroke hair back from his face.

“Uh.” He confirmed.

“Sam… I don’t have a problem with you topping?” The other man suggested. Sam just shook his head at that, drawing Gabe in closer to kiss him again.

They made out for a while, kisses quickly growing into soft grinding against each other. The big beta found it physically impossible to just sit still, he wanted the friction, needed it even. Gabriel just happened to sit in a way making it very hard to get exactly that.

 

“Please Gabe…” Sam moaned softly, the other man kissing his neck, letting teeth grace his skin, sucking on his earlobe. His dick twisted in his pre-come-soaked boxers.

“Please what?” Gabriel teased.

“Fuck me. Please fuck me.”

Sam was pressed down against the mattress, Gabriel getting both sets of boxers off in a matter of seconds. For some reason he had never imagined what it would feel like, laying naked with another overheated dick pressed against his own, but it had him moaning against lips. He hissed as Gabriel moved softly above him, creating the friction he had been so desperate to get.

“Let me know if you change your mind.” Gabriel reminded him with soft kisses to his neck and jawline, just resting against him for a moment before getting the synthetic slick from the bedtable drawer.

Sam heard the soft click before the cool, thick liquid was spread over his throbbing erection at first. He hissed, not expecting that, until Gabriel pressed his own hardness against him, hand around both dicks, slowly moving up and down.

“Oh Gabe.” Sam moaned softly, closing his eyes and savoring the feeling.

Gabriel teased him to the edge of coming before withdrawing. He looked like he wanted to ask Sam if he were sure again, but one look from the big man got him to shut up and coat his finger in more of the synthetic slick. Sam used the moment to give Gabriel’s naked body a good look.

“Like what you see?”

Sam did not bother answering, just licked his lips with what he believed was hard hunger in his eyes.

Soft lips was against his in an instant, he licked into the other man’s mouth with passion as his a wet, cool and propping finger slowly moved from the base of his dick, caressing his balls and down to his entrance. Willingly he spread his legs, allowing Gabriel access to what no one before him had had.

“You need to relax.” Sam took a few breaths, getting his body down to a point where he was still in control. Being pretty damned drunk helped on that too. A finger was slowly pushed past his hard rim of muscle. He gasped for air. Not because it hurt, but because it felt so, damned weird.

“You alright?” Gabriel looked concerned.

“It feels funny.” Sam admitted.

“I know. Just relax, it gets better.” The finger slowly moved in and out, letting Sam get used to the feeling. As soon as he felt himself relaxing, another finger was added. The fun feeling was replaced with one of a slight burn, just around his rim and for just a few moments.

Gabe kissed him while continuing to work him open and relaxed, spreading his fingers until he where able to add a third one without any discomfort for Sam. Crooking his fingers he brushed something in Sam that had him bucking up from the bed. With a smug smile Gabriel continued to brush that exact spot every so often to have the younger man a moaning mess on the bed.

“Just fuck me already, would you?”

“As you wish.” Gabriel withdrew his fingers slowly, leaving him with an empty feeling of needing something he had not known he was missing. He grabbed the condom, opening it and with ease rolled it down over Gabriel’s ready erection.

“You can stop me any time, alright?”

Sam nodded as he watched the other man coating his condom-covered dick with even more slick, doing everything in his power to make sure that it was a comfortable first for Sam.

Impatiently he spread his legs, letting Gabe know that he felt ready for what was about to happen. The other man hovered over him, lining up the head of his dick with Sam’s entrance.

The fingers had done little to prepare him to the real thing, Sam thought, as he felt Gabriel press into him slowly. It was not painful as such, but it burned and stretched in ways that he had never imagined it could. It was not uncomfortable either, just really, really strange.

Gabriel pressed soft kisses against his skin, balls deep into him. For moments they were just laying like that, Sam breathing as he tried to get everything relaxed, Gabe simply waiting for him to adjust and enjoy. It took longer than he liked, but slowly it started to feel right instead of burning. 

“You can move.” He told Gabriel after another kiss, and Gabe did exactly that. The first few thrust where slow, him dragging almost the entire way out and in again, letting Sam adjust to the different feeling the movement created inside him.

Slow had just never been the big beta’s cup of tea.

“More.” He pleaded, bugging his hips ever so slightly to meet Gabriel’s movements.

Slowly the pace got faster. Sam found that he enjoyed it more so. Once again the smug smile was to be seen on the beautiful older man, as he readjusted their positions, nailing Sam’s prostate with the head of his dick.

Sam cried out in pleasure, pleading for Gabe to do that again.

Gabriel did exactly that, obviously enjoying the sounds of the younger beta.

He picked up the pace, driving into Sam with force as their lovemaking turned into fucking. Sam moaned as he was fucked into some sort of oblivion were all that mattered was the man above him.

Sam came, dick untouched, painting his stomach and chest white. The clenching movements of him coming had Gabriel spilling inside him, groaning strained. Sex had never been as satisfying as that.

 

Sam was awake before Gabriel. For moments, he let himself watch the other man sleep, the gentleness of his features, all relaxed. His amazing shoulder-to-hip-ratio visible as the comforter was only around his legs. The soft light from the window enhanced everything Sam liked so much about him, physically speaking. It was the person behind that mattered, and he was not really showing while sleeping. He liked the size difference between them. How he could wrap around Gabriel and hide him from the rest of the world like that.

He let Gabe sleep for a few moments more before attempting to wake him up with soft kisses. He was barely getting a reaction out of that.

“If you are not getting up, I will eat all the leftovers.” Sam threatened softly, planting soft kisses on the skin just below the ear.

Gabriel groaned and started to stir awake. Apparently, pizza was more interesting than Sam kissing him.

“So it was not good enough for a second round?” Gabe asked, causing Sam to laugh.

“It was. I am just so sore that I doubt I would survive another round. So unless you want me to top..?”

“Mhm. Sounds great.” Gabriel drew him down for a series of soft kisses, breath still tasting like alcohol. He was possibly still drunk from the night before. Sam at the least felt like that was the case for him and Gabriel had been as drunk as he had.

“You should really consider brushing your teeth.” Sam remarked

“You too, sasquatch.”

“I don’t want to get out of bed. Not when you are all warm and naked.”

“Lucky for us that …” Sam stopped him in the middle of the sentence with a not-so-soft kiss. Gabriel’s words changed into a soft moan against his lips making Sam crave more of the smaller man.

 

It should have been a blissful after play. Them laying relaxed in the bed, eating pizza, talking about nothing at all. Hell, Sam had wanted to hook up with him pretty much since Cas had introduced them to one another. Curiosity had been the main force at first. Since Gabe never stopped flirting with him.

Gabriel had grown under his skin. Made him want more, made him want something that he should never have wanted. Johns words toward Dean reverberated through his skull.

Did wanting Gabriel make him weak? A faggot? A fucking disappointment? In Johns eyes, yes. Sam already knew that answer. But how would everybody else think about them? Would Dean accept it? He had never said that he would not, but hell, most people believed that any relationship leading to children where acceptable. Few had the same viewpoint as John on omega/alpha pairings with two men, or for that matter beta/omega. But being two beta males would never be able to carry offspring and thereby never accepted in the wide society. Or so Sam thought.

Looking over at Gabriel who seemed satisfied (and very occupied with pizza), Sam did not know what to do. It had been great to put it short. A big part of him wanted to do it again, and again and again. Hell, he could easily imagine them waking up like that every morning, beside each other. And it hurt, knowing that they would never get that.

“I have to go.” Sam suddenly said. Gabriel gave him a weird look.

“Why?”

“I can’t stay here. This was a mistake. I am sorry Gabe, I really am. I mean, the sex was good, but. Yeah. It was a mistake.”

“A mistake?” The smaller man paled visibly in front of Sam. Like he got smaller and more vulnerable. “How? How can you say that this was a mistake?”

“Because it was. I should never have hooked up with you.” Sam answered, trying hard to sound like he meant it.

“So you don’t feel it? How right it was?” Gabe pleaded. “I have wanted you for so long Sam…” admitting that seemed to be hard for the older man.

It took almost everything Sam had to not just agree with him. He had felt it too, longed for Gabriel for so long that it almost hurt to think about.

“It was good sex Gabriel. And that was it. I am sorry if you have feelings mixed in with this.”

“I was a good fuck? You know what? Fuck you Sam. Fuck this. You can’t just come here and toy with me like that. Treat me like this means everything, then tell me that it was just your everyday one-night-stand.” He growled, but there was not much bite in his voice.

Sam looked away while he talked. Gabriel stayed quiet for a moment, and once he talked again Sam could not keep his eyes to himself.

“Did this mean nothing to you, Sam?” he was looking so hurt. Everything Sam wanted to was to take the smaller man in his arms, tell him that he meant so much to him. That it had been great, and that maybe, just maybe, it could be more.

“It was just a fuck, yeah.” Sam agreed.

“You just keep telling yourself that. Once you come out of the claws of your father, realize what this means to you, I may have moved on Sam.”

 _And Sam knew that. He feared that._ Because no matter how many times he told Gabe, that it had meant nothing for him, it never got to be the truth.

Slowly he got up, got dressed and left Gabriel in his room with the pizza boxes and the used condoms. He wanted to go back in there. To apologize, make love again, make up. Everything to erase the look of Gabriel on the verge of tears, looking like Sam had just killed something very dear to him.

The not-crying for Sam’s part held until he had locked up the door to his own apartment.


	2. Because they had to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Gabe somehow have to figure things out, just a little, when they learn that Castiel and Dean is getting together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year fokes! Stay safe, spread some love and celebrate it the way you want to!

It had been almost a year since him and Gabriel had hooked up, and goddammit, there was not a day where Sam was not missing him. They had stopped talking entirely, friendship put on ice. Sam had hoped that would make it easier, a clean cut or whatever, but it had not.

There had been times where he had almost picked up the phone and called the older beta, telling him that he missed him and that he wanted to figure things out, his dad being screwed and all. There were times where his family and social acceptance could not matter less. But he never called, because he knew Gabriel deserved someone who did not even had those thoughts.

Sam continued to see Cas, but mostly at his place. Gabe seemed to be very busy when Sam once in a while payed a visit over there.

Then John had died. His death caused by a fight about Gabriel, and Sam felt like he at the least owed it to his dad, to keep away from Gabe. It felt like betrayal at the highest point to even think about figuring things out with him. So Sam did not, but he really, really wanted too at times.

 

Hell, Sam had even started seeing a sweet girl from university he had met through a mutual friend. She was sweet and so different from Gabriel that it made things easier. He could talk to her about everything, especially about his guilt in regard of his dad. It was not many he trusted enough to that. But Jess had just been sweet and patient and understanding. Sam had yet to understand why she was interested in him, but it was obvious that she was. So he went with it. Did not stop him from missing Gabriel, but in so many ways it was easier with Jess. He knew his dad would accept her. Knew that society would be alright with them as a pair.

He never forgot Gabriel or his feelings towards him, but they stayed more in the background as he got to know Jessica better. Besides from the obvious, he learned that she was extremely tolerant, patient and a great cook. She never minded him taking off from her apartment at weird times because Dean needed him without further explanation. She was just there, and he was grateful.

He would not say that he was in love, but maybe he could be one day? He cared about her deeply, and was that not good enough to build a relationship on?

They got to be an official pair just a few short weeks before Dean finally got his head out of his ass and admitted that he liked Cas as well. It did not take long before those two where official as well.

While Sam was happy on Deans behalf, he really was, he also knew that it meant that he and Gabriel would see each other again. So they had to talk. They had to figure out a way to move on and seem somewhat natural in the presence of their family.

 

_“It is Gabriel.”_ The familiar voice made his heart race. He wanted to do more than just talk on the phone so badly.

“Hey Gabe. It is Sam.”

_“Samsquatch?”_

“Yeah.”

_“Why are you calling?”_ His voice sounded cold and strangely in lack of emotions.

“We need to talk.”

_“We have needed to do so for long Sam. So why now?”_

Sam knew that. He also knew why Gabriel had not been the one to call. It was Sam who had left. Sam who needed to figure out where he stood in all of that.

“Because of Dean and Cas.”

_“Of course.”_ Gabriel sounded bitter. Angry. Or maybe Sam was overthinking it.

“I get that this is unfair of me to ask, but couldn’t we figure out to be friends?”

_“I can’t”_

“Can’t or won’t?”

_“Both.”_ Gabriel sneered. _“You where the one who left me Sam and who have not had the balls to call me back for the last year. You had your chances. You do not deserve my friendship. We can be our-brothers-are-fucking-so-we-will-talk-but-do-not-have-a-lot-in-common-and-therefore-we-don’t-talk-much-sort-of-strangers. But no more than that. I can’t do that.”_

“I miss you.”

_“Too fucking late for that_.” Gabriel growled and ended the call. Sam starred lost at his phone for moments. He had somehow expected things to go fine, that the older man would be more than willing to accept his excuses, to understand somehow. It occurred to him that he had not even explained himself.

 

It took him a few hours before he had gotten his courage back. It had been a lot of thinking. Mostly he called because Gabriel deserved more than believing that Sam had called because he wanted to be pretend friends. Sam had so much he wanted to tell him, he just had not found himself able, not over the phone. Goddammit, mostly he wanted to tell the other that he had been unable to stop thinking about him for over a year. That he wanted what his brother had. No matter how fond he had grown of Jessica she was not the one he loved.

_“Yeah?”_ Gabriel sounded hoarse, tired, when he took the call after the first ring.

“I know I don’t deserve it, but I want to explain myself to you. You deserve more than half excuses and me leaving.” Sam sighed. “I am not saying this will do any difference, but…”

_“You can come over. Cas is at Dean’s.”_

“I’ll be there in a moment.” He ended the call, send Jessica a text that he would be visiting an old friend that day and put on his shoes before heading out of the door.

Sam tried walking in a normal pace, but still found himself pressing the numbers to the door phone. He knew the code from the many hours he had spent with Cas there. It was not the almost-running up the stairs that took his breath away, but simply the thought of talking with Gabriel again. Sure they had seen each other on distance from time to time, but last they had been in a room like that, it had been Sam hurting him badly. How would the honey-coloured eyes look at him this time? Had Gabe moved on? Part of him hoped that it was the case. A bigger part not so much.

He knocked on the door, so softly that he was afraid that the other would not hear it. Gabriel opened the door just seconds after his hand was by his side again, something in his eyes that Sam never wanted to see again.

“Come in.” Gabe stepped aside, letting Sam into the once so familiar apartment. How many hours had he not spent in there? Playing games with Cas? Talking about Dean? Too many. So many that it had once been his second home as they for some reason preferred that place over Sam’s. Maybe the stocked pantry and fridge had something to say, the amount of cookies that Gabriel seemed to keep around.

“Coffee?”

“Yeah.” Sam agreed, even though he was not all that into coffee. Drinking it and enjoying it was often two separate things. He had a feeling that he would need something for the kind of conversation they where going to have.

Gabriel reappeared in the living room with two coffees, one being a big latte. Something in Sam broke, knowing that the other had remembered how Sam preferred his rare caffeine-shock. With a simple nod he send the bigger man towards the sofa, placing the coffee on the table before sitting down in one of the comfy arm-chairs.

“So..?” Gabriel asked, eyes locked on Sam, demanding something.

“So…” Sam repeated, at a complete loss at where to start. What did one tell someone after all that time? He was there to make things easier on Gabe, not for his own emotional benefit. He had to remind himself that before leading with a ‘I am still in fucking love with you, wanna get together?’. While he wanted that badly, it would probably end out with him acting like a fucking douche again and hurting him all over. Sam never wanted to do that again.

“I am sorry for how I treated you. For the radio silence. I had no idea what to do at the time.” Sam started, hesitating for a moment and then continuing. “You know how my dad was, right? I bet Cas have told you a lot, if nothing else because he has been so frustrated over Dean… Dean was not the only one listening to him. Not the only one whom his words haunt to this day. I did not hear him that night, possibly for the first time ever, but I surely did the morning after. And I was ashamed Gabe, to admit that I _liked_ … it.” He barely managed to stop himself before blurting out the emotional part of it.

“I never meant to hurt you. I was just confused and scared. Two beta males are not widely accepted.” Shortly he looked up from the coffee, but the pained look quickly made his own hazel eyes retreat to the coffee. “And I want closure, for both of us. I have moved on.” He tried to make the last piece sound like a statement, and he was pretty sure that he had failed.

“You have moved on?” Gabriel repeated.

“Yes.” Sam stated. “I have a girlfriend.”

Gabriel leaned back in the chair, sipping on his coffee. He was quiet for a moment or two and Sam found himself unable to read the other man.

“I never wanted you to move on _from_ me Sam.” Golden eyes catched the gaze of hazel, locking them merciless there. “I wanted you to move on from what he told you. Learning that maybe, just maybe, what happened between us was alright. A good thing. That maybe you should not always do what daddy wants you to…   
There were times where I thought about contacting you. Asking you what the hell you wanted. Why you let me wait for so long. Then I learned that your dad was dead and I retreated, making sure to give you space. I had selfishly hoped that with him dead, you would finally grow a pair and admit how you felt, but no.” Something cold settled over his features. “You haven’t moved on, Sam. You are still trying to make your old man happy.”

It was Sam’s turn to stay quiet. Thoughts whirled around his mind. That was not how he had imagined that conversation in his mind. Somehow Sam had not seen that coming, with his dad. Maybe he should have, after all John played a big part in who he was currently with. He felt small and ashamed. It was not fair to either of those involved. While Jessica knew how much John had screwed with him, she had no idea that he was in love with somebody else. Another man.

“What do you want me to do Gabe?”

“I want you to be honest with yourself, goddammit!”

“I am! I can’t be with you. I should never have been for that matter.” Sam knew the other did not understand, that he never would. “It was a fight over you that got my dad to drunk drive and kill himself and that family. I cannot possibly get myself to just get over that. If I had not been with you there would not have been a thing to discuss. Maybe I would still have started that fight with him, for Dean’s sake, but it would not have turned out the way it did!” Sam was breathing unevenly and heavy. He was upset. He wanted to run away.

Gabriel looked like he was going to be sick.

“You told John about us?”

“No. Goddammit, no, then I would not have been alive. But he was saying that he would never want us to get home with anybody but girls. I got angry. I got too fucking angry because I was thinking about you, and being with you and keeping it a secret. I don’t want that.”

“You would not need to keep me a secret you fool! I would stand proudly at your side no matter what!”

“Hah.” It was a bitter sound even in his own ears. “But what does it help, if I weren’t there to stand by yours? I would not be a good boyfriend Gabe. I would hurt you. I would be ashamed of our relationship. You know I am that weak. Why do you even try to get me to be braver?”

“I don’t.” Gabriel answered, the same cold and hard façade back on his face. “I am merely trying to get you to see what I see.”

Sam swallowed, not knowing what to say to that. How could Gabriel believe in him like that when he did not?

 

They continued to talk for hours passing by. Both about that, but also just what had happened the past year, catching up with each others lives.

In the end they decided to keep their distance. They would talk in friendly manner at family situations, but nothing beside from that.

He wanted to throw his arms around Gabriel, kissing him, giving the world a big, fat fuck-finger to chew on. But he did not. No matter how much everything in him screamed to figure that out it never screamed higher than the voice of John, telling him that he was a weak faggot.

Sam, wanting to prove himself a man, left the apartment without telling Gabe how he really felt.

And it hurt just as much doing that a second time. Seeing the hurt in Gabriel’s eyes as he walked out. Maybe they had talked, but they had not figured out anything, not really. They would pretend, they had agreed on that, but Sam could not find it in himself to be happy about that.

 


	3. Time flies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time flies by and Sam still finds himself unable to do anything about his feelings for Gabriel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for a possibly not so interesting chapter. The next one is really a lot of angst though!

Sam learned that Dean needed him less as he and Castiel got things worked out. Sure they were still seeing each other every Sunday, but it was more for the fun of it and less because Dean needed that. It made him equally happy and sad. Happy because he wanted to see his big brother so desperately that it almost hurt, sad because he wanted to be needed. His actions had caused Dean so much pain and Cas took away his way of redemption.

Sam also started bringing Jessica to their Sunday-dinners, mostly because he knew that Dean wanted to meet her. She did great with his brother, talked easily with Cas and seemed to fit in so flawlessly. Part of him had wanted her not to. Wanted his brother to tell him that he disliked her, that he should find someone else. Gabriel, preferably. But Dean did quite the opposite after their first lunch together.

“She really is awesome, Sammy. Where did you dust her up?” Dean asked.

“In the library.” Sam admitted.

“Why do I not feel surprised? You also met your childhood sweetheart that way.” His brother smiled widely. 

Sam nodded. Yeah, he remembered her too. She had been a great girl, but her mom had not approved of them what so ever, and being very young they had never figured out how to work around that. John had been pleased though, as Amy had been a pretty and smart girl.

Dean congratulated him as he took on his coat, telling him how happy he was on his behalf.

 

Naturally Jessica got invited to Christmas at Dean Cas’ place. Sam had extended the invitation to Jessica, but she had plans with her family. He had no idea how to feel about that. On one hand it would mean less of the hurt looks from Gabriel, he hoped, but on the other he would have liked to have her there to support him.

It turned out to be a good dinner. He and Gabe set the table, Dean teased them with their effort, but Sam simply enjoyed doing something with the older beta. It was so fucking domestic, setting the Christmas table, that he had almost hauled Gabriel in for a kiss until he reminded himself that he was not allowed to do that.

Cas proposing to Dean got his mind of that, though. Seeing his brother that happy was everything he could have asked for that Christmas.

 

New Year’s Eve passed. He celebrated with Jessica. Got too drunk and almost confessed to her that he was in love with someone else. But he managed to get out of the room before doing that, thank god.

Cas kept him posted in the Alistair-case. He knew it was hard on his brother. Their Sunday dinners were often with Dean halfway asleep, looking like he had been beaten up because he slept shitty. Dean was not the only one though, Cas looked just as beaten up.

No matter how much Sam told himself that he could not make a difference, he still was affected deeply by seeing his brother and boyfriend like that. It brought up a lot of the guilt and helplessness from after Dean had recovered. His grates went down, as did his sleep. He pretty much lived of coffee and whatever Jessica got him coaxed into eating until he got a call from Cas who was almost yelling of relief and happiness. Alistair had been caught.

 

Things normalized a little after that, thank god. His studies went better, grades got up again. Things with Jessica was almost alright. Sometimes he felt like he was not even pretending. He did love her, just not in the way he wanted to. Not in the way he cared about Gabriel anyway.

“Sam, are you alright?” She asked, arms crossed over her tee.

“I’m fine.” He answered with a shrug.

“You don’t seem fine.” She sighed, sounding surprisingly much like Dean. His brother had often questioned his ‘fine’.

“I am just stressed out over the exams.” He hoped that she for this once would buy it. Would listen to his fucking excuse, accept it and not ask more.

“You have been like this longer than the exam period.” She countered, eyes narrowed. “You are off mentally, you don’t talk to me like you usually do. There is no intimacy.” Something in her suspicious look changed to downright vulnerable.

“Are you going to leave me Sam?”

“No.” He hurriedly answered. “God no Jessica. This has nothing to do with you. I have just… the thing with Alistair stressed me out and I have really been working hard to get my grades back up, you know? I really want to do well in these exams.”

She looked relieved and that made him glad. He had no desires to cause her pain of any kind.

 

“DEAN!” Sam yelled, easily recognizing his brother even from a distance. Dean turned around, greeting him with a big smile. He looked as if he almost vibrated with happiness.

As Sam came closer the fresh wound on his neck made it very clear why Dean seemed so happy. Making a thrilled sound Sam hugged him until his big brother started protesting against the embrace.

“Oh god. I never thought I should say this, but holy shit, congratulations on having a fucking sex-life!”

Dean turned red, looking up at Sam. “You really know how to make things awkward, don’t you?”

“My job as a younger brother.” He confirmed with a wide smile. “Jessica did say that you had something romantic planned, I just… I had not expected you to get so much better so fast.”

Something on Deans face changed.

“I am better. But heck, there is still a long way to go before I am entirely good. Not sure I will ever be that, to be honest…” He sighed, dragging a hand through his hair. “I am going to try. Hard.” That was a promise Sam knew, and for that Dean got another hug where he was practically lifted into the air.

To say that Sam was happy on Deans behalf was an understatement. For years he had seen his brother in agony, trying to keep himself together and have a life. Now he was finally getting there. He had a job, an apartment and a mate. Alistair behind bars too.

 

Month passed with school, Sunday lunches, having fun with Jessica and not thinking about Gabe. The suddenly in the later summer Dean canceled several of their lunches in a row, leaving Sam both confused and a little hurt.

“You know Sam, he is most likely having a good reason for what he is doing.” Jessica tried to comfort him after he had told her about his worries.

“I know. I am just so used to things being wrong that I cannot help but wonder if there is going something on between him and Cas… Or that I have made him mad.”

“Why would he be mad at you?”

“Don’t know. I just cannot help but wonder if he is.” Sam confessed unhappily. What if Gabe had told Dean or Cas about them? About what kind of an asshole Sam had been towards him? If Dean had treated anyone that way Sam would have been mad.

As it turned out both Jessica and Sam was invited for lunch the following weekend.

When Dean greeted them he smelled like dulled beta. Sam considered making a remark on the fact that Dean was wearing the deo and blocker from before Cas, but decided against it. His brother seemed both happy and healthy, so there was probably a reason for why he had chosen to do so.

He was pregnant, Sam learned a few hours later, clutching the tee to his chest, not able to believe he had heard it right. If anyone deserved to have a family it was his big brother. Dean would make the best dad in the world. Sam knew that better than anyone around the table.

 

When they got home, Jessica gave him a long look seemingly wondering about something.

“So you want kids, Sam?” She asked.

“Yeah. I think so. Why?”

“Seeing Dean and Cas just got me thinking.” She admitted with a shrug. “I want that. Maybe not now, but one day I would like to have a family of my own.”

Sam thought about that for a moment. Could having a child of their own be the solution to make their relationship work? He did not know. Maybe. He was willing to try it.

“Me too, Jessica. And I know you would make a wonderful mother.” He dragged her in for a kiss, emphasizing his point. Maybe he could learn to love her the way she deserved. He hoped so.

She looked up at him. Nervous. “How soon would you like to try?”

“No harm done in practicing already tonight.” He told her with a hungry grin. Laughing she swatted his ass before she let him lift her up and carry her to the bedroom. She shrieked as he lifted her.

They had a great night together. Sam laid awake an hour after she had passed out, just looking at her as she slept. Her features soft and childish in her sleep. They were young, sure, but he could easily imagine them having a family. And what would be better than Deans and his kids playing together? Smiling he stroke her hair, feeling like he could fall for the girl sleeping next to him.

 

 

 


	4. Two plus two equals three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jessica is thrilled to be pregnant, but nothing seems to go work out the way it is supposed too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author is one evil fucker. Now you are warned, more or less. 
> 
> Warnings for:   
> \- HURT and zero comfort  
> \- Self-blame  
> \- Mentions of abortion  
> \- Serious ilness / pregnancy gone wrong   
> \- And even more hurt
> 
> With what I have in store this is not even the worst chapter though. 
> 
> There will be a tiny spoiler for the Please stand by me series. As in so tiny that I doubt any of you will even notice it.

Jessica had found out that she was pregnant shortly before the due date of Castiel’s and Dean’s twins. Sam had been thrilled, as had she. At that point they had been trying for almost half a year, and each time her period returned he could see the disappointment in her eyes. How she would try to hide it for the days following and cheerfully suggest another try. It had taken a toll on her and she was not as happy as she used to be. Sometimes he even thought about dropping the project just to not see her that way each and every damned month. So full of hope just to be let down yet another time.

She had started throwing up early in her pregnancy. Not just in the morning as normal, but most of the day. Keeping any kind of food down seemed to be a challenge for her. Sam did what he could, he even asked Dean to teach him to cook so she would not have to do that. Her hair was brittle, she was pale and looked sick most of the time. She even had to take sick-leave from her studies two months in as she got too weak from her weight loss and undernourishment. Sam worried like hell, dragged her from one doctor to another, neither able to help her with her extreme case of morning sickness. Instead he practically fed her with meal-replacing-weight-gaining smoothies in the hope that it would help.

Her doctor performed extra ultrasounds to be sure that the baby was fine, giving that the mom obviously was not. Everything in the womb looked perfectly normal, and when Jessica started to cry from relief, Sam could not find it in him to suggest terminating the pregnancy to take care of her health. The doctor did however tell them, that in most cases the morning sickness eased out after the first two or three months.

It did not in her case.

As her stomach continued to grow as she got thinner and thinner. She had been slim beforehand, there had not really been anything to lose.

Sam had a hard time just looking at her. Knowing that he was the one who had agreed to the baby project, knowing that he had somehow caused her to look that way, to be so sick, it killed him slowly inside.

First at four month in she started eating again. Her cravings where all kind of weird, but the youngest Winchester was more than happy to leave the house at 11 in the night just to get her whatever she wanted. Slowly she gained weight again, slowly she started to look happy and healthy and glowing like every pregnant women should be. She never seemed to recover to her previous weight entirely, but she got so much better.

He had wanted to throw her a “we are preggers!” party or dinner like Dean and Cas had, but in the end she had been too sick. And once she started to get back to health everyone knew anyway. So he settled on planning a baby-shower.

Sam held her close at night, stroking her stomach, enjoying that she started to get better. Enjoying the fact that they had a baby on the way.

They even found time to shop for the baby. Sam’s apartment was more than big enough for the two of them and a small child. He was not sure he had ever seen her as happy as when she selected clothing in soft blues for their boy.

 

The baby shower was held in her 7th month of pregnancy, her belly almost as big as their smiles. They had not been a lot, just the closest family and friends.  They had gotten wonderful gifts, Jessica had gotten to show of her growing stomach. Sam almost felt as if he were in love with her that day.

 

The perfect pregnancy did not seem to be for them, though. At first it was a loss of appetite again. Sam fretted at her, worried that she would lose too much weight again, but it turned out to be pretty normal giving that the baby pushed against her organs. Or so she said when she started throwing up again. Her feet got swollen to a point where she had a hard time moving around. Instead she learned how to knit from tutorials on youtube, making things for the baby. It worked out, but he could tell that she was frustrated.

 

“Sam?” Even though she was not talking loud he could hear the clear panic in her voice. He had been studying while she showered, insisting that she was pregnant and not invalid when he had asked if she needed any help.

“Yes?” He hurried up and out into the bathroom where he found her, cheeks tearstained and eyes wide in horror. Her inner thighs where covered in blood. It ran down her legs. Too much blood.

“Balls!” He grabbed his phone and called for an ambulance. Given that neither had a car that was the fastest way to get her to the hospital. The baby was not due yet. There was still almost a month left of her pregnancy. She was not supposed to bleed. Even without any medical knowledge he knew that bleeding that much in a pregnancy was anything but good.  

He got her to sit down on the toilet. At that point she was sobbing hysterically and he had a hard time keeping it together too. What if something happened to her? What if something happened to the baby? He helped her get on an old t-shirt of his, a pair of trousers with a bind to take care of the blood, just until the ambulance arrived. He was practical, taking care of one thing after another. He was in the middle of packing clothing while talking her to breathe when the paramedics arrived.

For a moment, he was just about to yell at them. But it would just upset Jess even more, and she was his priority. They were rushed to the hospital. He got to ride in the back with her, holding her hand, trying to calm her. He failed miserably, crying just as much as she did.

She was rushed to get an ultrasound and a Doppler, checking that the baby was fine in there. Sam doubted that he was. How could he be, when Jessica had bled so much?

“We have to perform an emergency C-section.” The doctor told him. The doctor had a calm voice. “Your baby is in distress. The placenta has mostly abrupted from the uterus, so the baby is not getting enough oxygen.”

Jessica managed a ‘do it’ between sobs. Sam just nodded, unable to say a thing. It was not like they could do anything.

“I suggest you call your family.” The doctor added. “We will keep you updated.”

 

Jessica was wheeled away. A nurse came in the room, leading him to the waiting area, getting all their information. Sam talked in a slow, monotone voice that he almost could not recognize. There were no emotions left in it even though tears where still streaming down his cheeks.  

Then, once the nurse had gotten every bite of information, she told him to call his family. Her family too. He looked at her, utterly lost. Who was he to get support from loved ones, when Jessica was all alone in there?

“Do you want me to call your brother?” The nurse asked.

Sam gave her a confused look, how did she know that he had a brother? Then he remembered listing Dean as his ICE contact.

“No. I can do that myself.”

“Alright. How about you go ahead and call him, and I will fix you a cup of coffee and something sweet to go with it?”

“Thank you.” He rasped before getting out his phone, dialing Deans number.

_“Sam?”_ Dean sounded confused

“Can you come to the hospital? Jess is…” he was unable to finish that, voice cracking.

_“Yes.”_

“Thank you.” Sam did not bother telling Dean which part they were at. He knew where pregnant and newborn parents were.

Starring at the phone he dialed another number that he had thought about deleting so many times over the past few years.

The phone was picked up after a few rings.

_“It is Gabe speaking.”_

“Hey. It is Sam. I am in the hospital with Jess…” He did not manage to say more before Gabriel interrupted him:

_“I will be there in a moment. Carrier and child department, right?”_

“Yes.” Sam were just about to thank him when the line died.

Not knowing what to do he looked for the nurse who soon approached him with a scolding cup of coffee. It tasted bland and boring, but he did not care.

“Do you want me to stay until you family arrives?” She asked, handing him a chocolate bar.

Sam shook his head. “I am still needing to call her family. Thank you though. For the offer.”

“I will keep you posted and check on you later, alright?”

“Yeah.” He hesitated, then looked at her nametag. “Thank you Pamela.”

“You can call me Pam.” She told him, smiling gently towards him.

 

Sam was alone as he picked up the phone, calling Jessica’s parents. The call was anything but pleasant, her parents wanting answers that he did not have. Nothing but that the doctor had advised them to come could he tell, nothing to ease their pain or worries. They would hurry to get there however.

 

Gabe was the first to arrive. Sam threw his arms around the smaller man, clinging to him like his life depended on it. Gabriel did not ask questions, he did not push Sam away. He was simply there, allowing the youngest Winchester to sob against his shoulder.

Dean arrived shortly after. Seeing Sam like that, how close he held Gabe, he chose not to disturb for a few moments, allowing his brother every comfort he could get. Forcing them to part with his arrival would be cruel, so Dean fetched them coffee from the cafeteria. Cas had stayed back with the twins, trying to find a babysitter for them so he could come to the hospital as well.

“Sammy?” Dean gently called from a distance, letting his brother know that he was there. He barely handed Gabriel the coffees before he found himself with arms full of Sam, smelling so strongly of distress that it almost was like a physical blow.

It took Sam a few moments, just breathing the well-known smell of Dean in before he could say anything.

“They took her in for emergency C-section.” Sam swallowed hard. “The placenta was mostly abrupted from the uterus. Our baby was not getting enough oxygen… I haven’t heard more.”

“Have you called her family?” Gabe asked quietly from behind him. Sam nodded.

They waited in silence, sipping their coffee. All of them knew exactly how serious the situation where. If the babyboy had lacked oxygen for too long it could mean brain damage or death. And given how weakened Jess had been through her pregnancy combined with the blood loss? Neither named it, but all three knew.

 

Pamela returned to them. Her face was telling Sam nothing as she sat down on a chair in front of him.

“This is your family?” It was not really a question but Sam nodded anyway.

“Jessica’s is on the way, but they are living an hour way by car.”

“Good.” Pam commented. “She is still in the operating room. I am not going to lie, things are not looking good. Her blood pressure is too high and it seems that she has been suffering from pre-eclampsia for a while now.”

Sam could feel himself grow colder as the nurse talked. “Pre-eclampsia?” He rasped.

“Yes, it is a very serious condition if left untreated.” Pamela confirmed. “The swelling of her feet is one symptom, though they are sure she had to have more…”

“She never said…” His voice broke. “She never said a thing Pam. I know nothing about being pregnant. She never complained. I just… I did not know.”

Gently the nurse took his hand as Dean placed an arm around him, calming, supportive.

“It is not your fault Sam.” She starred at him until he let his gaze fall, unable to keep looking into the very insisting eyes. “From what I can gather she has had a very difficult pregnancy, yes? She may have thought it was completely normal her condition considered and therefore not said anything. The symptoms of pre-eclampsia could also have been caused by undernourishment.”

He swallowed. He wanted to believe her. Wanted to hear that Jess and his baby would be alright. That it was not his fault.

“They are doing everything they can in there Sam.” Pamela told him, giving his hand a squeeze before leaving. 

Sam found himself hugged by Dean again. It was until then that he was aware that he was sobbing again, tears wetting the t-shirt his brother was wearing. A smaller hand gently stroke his back as he cried out his fear and frustration.


	5. Death is following me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam has to face Jessica's family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhg. Another evil chapter. 
> 
> Warnings for:   
> \- LOTS for feels. As in very many much feels. and not really any good ones.   
> \- Angst  
> \- Character death  
> \- Possible medical errors. Honestly, I had google to assist me on this one. If you note anything, PLEASE let me know! 
> 
> Love you guys, hope you enjoy-ish this chapter

It was possibly the longest time Sam had ever waited. It had not even been an hour since he had arrived at the hospital with her, but not knowing made the time move slow. Jessica’s mom, Tania, called during their wait to let him know that they were on their way. That they hurried. And he could do nothing but say that she was in the operating room, that it looked bad. She did not sound blaming on the phone, just worried, but she would blame him. He was sure of it.

Pam returned before her family showed up. She looked sad. Sorry. Sam felt like his heart stopped, his throat tighten. The fear gripped him hard.

“Your son has been delivered. He is stable, but is currently in the NICU.” She started, trying to smile towards him. Trying to make him believe, that it was somehow good news. NICU, the place he had hoped his kid should never see. For the premature sick ones with need for intensive care. Goddammit, he hated that. He hated it already and his pup was still only minutes old.

“Jessica is still in surgery. The pre-eclampsia is severe enough to have caused damage to her kidneys and there is fluid around her lungs. It is most likely also the reason for why the placenta abrupted in the first place. She has lost a lot of blood too. I am not going to lie, she is fighting hard in there.” Pamela continued, moving closer towards Sam.

“I want to see him.” Sam said, voice almost cold. He had to focus on something. Had to not break down. Jess he could do nothing for, praying was not his style, but their son he could check on, make sure he was fine for when she woke up and could hold him. He refused to think about the alternative. She was going to be alright. She had to be.

Dean followed him, Gabe stayed behind in the waiting area on case a doctor, nurse or Cas arrived while they were gone. Sam had handed him his phone, as did Dean. He did not want to disturb sleeping kids with his phone blaring out all of a sudden.

Sam had no idea what to expect. Seeing his child for the first time should have been the single most amazing thing in his life, but he found himself standing there, almost not daring too walk into the NICU where Pam waited for him and Dean. What if he did something wrong? It was his fault that Jess was fighting for her life, his fault that their son even needed intensive care. He should have known better, should have forced her to see a doctor, and he had not. He had failed as a boyfriend and father before his pup had even been born.

“Come on Sam.” Pam gently coaxed him, and slowly he managed to walk closer towards her, to his son.

He did not notice than Dean kept in the background, waiting so that he could have his moments.

His son was sound asleep. Pamela explained that he had been placed in the incubator for good measure. He had been so close to full term that it should not have been necessary, but given how weak Jess had been they would rather be safe than sorry.

He could not hold his kid just yet, Pam explained. Soon he would be able to though, but for now he needed rest. Sam did get to stick his hand in the confined space of the incubator where he slept, gently stroking the skin of his kid. It was surreal, the feeling of being responsible for someone like that all of a sudden. His boy slowly turned his head, reaction to the touch. The youngest Winchester found himself overcome with emotions.

Pam let him cry. Simply mumbled something about checking in on Jess, and then left him. Dean came closer until Sam found himself held tightly once again.

It was obvious that his brother wanted to say something, anything to make Sam feel better. But nothing he could say or do would change how Sam felt, and both men knew that. Dean kept quiet.

 

Sam almost did not dare to leave the NICU. But Gabe had found them, telling them that Jessica’s family had called. They would be there shortly, had broken almost every traffic violation there was to break to get there in time. But in time for what? Sam had honestly no idea.

Tania was a mess, face puffy from crying, her usually so neat hair everywhere. Sam had never seen her like that. Jess’ dad, Reynold, looked tight, his jaw clenched as he came closer. It had been him driving, Sam knew. He had somehow managed to keep it together and apparently the older man now found himself unable to give up that control. No one could blame him. Jessica’s younger sister ran to him, hugged him close, crying violently. He wished he had something good to tell the girl, he really did, but nothing he knew suggested that things were going to be alright.

Pam returned shortly after they had arrived.

“I am so, so sorry.” She told them. “She is not going to make it.”

Sam heard himself make a strange wheezing sound. He felt as if he had been punched. No, being punched would have hurt far less. The color had drained of everyones faces. His knees gave out and he sat down, unable to hold his balance. How had it come to this? How had he not managed to stop it? To get her to terminate the pregnancy? Heck, just see a fucking doctor instead of letting her convince him that she was fine when she had so obviously not been?

“What… What about the baby?” He heard Tania ask, her voice cracking in all the wrong places.

“The baby is fine. He will need intensive care because of Jessica’s condition, but he should be just fine.” Pamela promised her. They had been there so shortly that Sam had not even mentioned that.

“She is still fighting if you wish to see her. There is nothing more we can do at this point, but you have time to say your goodbyes.”

Sam had no idea what to do with that. Saying his goodbyes? What goodbyes? It was not exactly something he had thought about, not something he had ever considered happening. Jess was supposed to grow old and grey and then, first at that point, she could die. Maybe he was not in love with her, but he was sure as hell not ready to give up his life with her either.

“Yes please.” He heard Tania say, the smaller woman placing a hand on his shoulder. “I think we should say our goodbyes.” Her strength where overwhelming.

He found himself nodding, what else what he supposed to do? He owned Jess that much. He wanted to tell her that their kid was alright. That he would take good care of him. Let him know, that his mother had given _everything_ to get him. Not blaming, just letting him know that he had been loved before even existing.

 

Gabriel and Dean stayed behind, allowing the family to grieve in peace.

Cas arrived a few moments after they had left, mumbling something about having the neighbor girl to look out for the twins. He proceeded to hug both Dean and Gabe close.

“Where is Sam?”

“With Jessica’s family. She is not going to make it.” Dean answered, voice strained with emotions. He had grown very fond of Jessica. She had been everything he had ever hoped that Sam would get. 

They stayed in the waiting area until Pamela fetched them, saying that Sam had asked them to come.

 

Jessica looked so peaceful, laying there in the bed. She was mainly held alive by the respirator, making sure that she got her air. Seeing his beautiful and usually so living girl laying like that, mostly kept alive by a machine and her own stubbornness, it hurt. He wanted to cry again, it was just as if he had forgotten how. Everything in him felt so tight. Breathing was difficult.

He sat down at her left side, taking her hand. It was still warm. Swollen. Holding his thumb over her wrist he could sense her pulse. It was weak, but it was there. Barely.

“Studies show that hearing is the last sense to shut down. She will be able to hear you.” Pamela told them with confidence. Sam wanted to believe her so badly. “I will wait outside if there is anything you need.”

Sam said nothing, just held her hand in the hope that she already knew that she was loved. He regretted that he had not been able to care her like she deserved, but there was nothing he could do about that now.

They had shut down the screens monitoring her. He kept starring emptily a them, unable to look at her, unable to meet the so familiar eyes of her family. Maybe, just maybe, if he kept starring hard enough they would start beeping, show a steady heartbeat.

He kept looking for signs while her family murmured their goodbyes. He could smell their emotions, even as a fucking beta his senses could pick up the thick fog of frustration, fear, sorrow. He read them so easily without having anything but their shadows out of the corner of his eyes. They hated him for taking away their daughter and sister. They had to. Because he did.

Silent tears kept streaming down his face. He had not noticed them until Tania handed him a tissue. He slipped up, looked at her for a moment, and he saw no hate towards him. He thought he had used all tears left.

“Do you need a moment with her?” She asked. Expect from the eyes, nosetip and years Tania looked so much like her dying daughter. Same haircolour, same mouth, same way of speaking. Reynold looked at him with eyes like Jess’, and Sam knew he needed that moment. There were just things he could not say to her in front of her family.

“Yes please.” He somehow managed to choke out, not feeling like he deserved that. She would be gone soon, they all knew that, and moments alone should be for the family, not for him. It was not fair of her to offer something he could not refuse, something he wanted so badly and did not deserve.

They closed the door behind them.

 

“I am so sorry Jess.” He started, choking on his own words. His throat where tight. Dammit, everything in him felt like it suddenly no longer fit in there. It was painful in ways he had not known it could be. But Pamela had said she could hear him, and he did for some reason believe the nurse.

“I know how badly you wanted to have a kid. I say you struggles first hand. I am so sorry that I did not react earlier. That I did not google your symptoms. Dammit, I should have known that you were not fine!” He cried out. “I am so sorry Jess. I am sorry for never loving you like I should have. I am sorry for never being the man you deserved. I am sorry for being a coward, for being stupid, scared and selfish. I… I don’t know what to do without you to be honest.”

“You would have been a wonderful mother Jess. I wish you could see our kid. He is small, so tiny that I was almost scared of breaking him with the simplest touch. Dammit, I am so sorry.”

That was how her family found him, babbling out apologies between sobs. There were so much more to say, but no matter how much time he got with her, it would never be enough, just because he knew it was limited. She had given him _everything_.

“The nurse said it would not be long.” Tania explained, drawing him in for a hug. They stood like that for a moment.

“I have… I have said what I needed to.” Sam told her, hugging her again. “Thank you. I will wait outside so that you guys can get some time alone.”

They protested, but he left the room any way, knowing that they needed the time as much as he had done.

It was a surprise to see Dean, Gabriel and Cas waiting for him outside the room. Had they somehow known that he would need them?

 

Jessica Moore passed away a few hours later surrounded by family and friends. She had managed to keep herself alive long enough for everyone to say goodbye to her, even though the massive blood loss and organ failure should have made her unable to.

Sam wanted to believe that she had chosen to do so somehow. He had no idea how, but it was so like Jessica, giving all in her power to ease her family’s grief, that he could do nothing but believe it. 

Dean and Reynold somehow found it in themselves to plan practical parts of her funeral while Cas took Jenny, Jessica’s sister to the cafeteria to get her something to eat. She had deemed that he smelled nice and stuck with him after they had first met. Reynold seemed to need something specific, a task, to put his mind on. Dean just knew how to do it as he had mostly planned out everything for their dad.

Tania and Sam visited the youngest Moore who were still sound asleep in his incubator.

If asked later how he made it through that day, he would honestly not have been able to answer. He somehow did because he had too.

 

Jessica Moore was buried a beautiful day last in November. Sam had been there, their son on his arm, well coated and wearing the stupid hat with ears that Jess had insisted were cute.

Sam had survived without her. How? Just like that day on the hospital. Because he had too.

 


	6. Jeremy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gabriel meets the youngest Winchester

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, once again, life happened. I have been so busy lately that this has been put off.
> 
> Hopefully you guys are still out there, wanting to read what I write. No worries, I am not done writing sad parts, but I felt that you needed a breather.

It had surprised Gabriel that Sam had called him when Jessica were admitted to the hospital. That he wanted him there. Needed him, he had corrected himself when Sam had hugged him, sobbing as soon as he was within reach. Maybe Gabriel should have said something, done something, but what? He had no idea, so he just followed Sam, did what was needed.

It was heartbreaking seeing him like that.

Gabriel did not see Sam much in the days after he had lost Jessica. Cas kept him posted with the little news there was, and when he got the word that the kid had been released a month after his birth and Sam was home with him, Gabriel decided on showing up a week later. He had decided on not doing so earlier, giving the beta peace to get to know his kid and the role as a father. Which, if Cas where to believed, could be challenging at moments.

 _Can I come by later?_ He texted Sam, feeling that the situation was wrong for emoticons or weird shortenings that he more often than not used in his texts.

 _Sure_. Was the short reply. Huh.

So Gabriel went shopping. Knowing that Sam was most likely not having anything edible he decided on doing grocery-shopping for him as well as a few small gifts for the kid. He had no idea how much Sam already had or how much were needed.

 

Sam opened the door with the baby resting on one of his giant arms. The kid seemed more than content with being there, starring at everything with wide eyes.

“Dude… you look like shit.” Gabriel blurted out before thinking.

Sam looked like he had wanted to smile if he had not been to exhausted.

“I am glad to see you too, Gabe.” Sam told him, stepping aside and letting him inside.

“When have you last slept?”

“An entire night?” The moose swallowed, then admitted in a small voice: “Before Jessica.”

“Is it the kid that keeps you awake?”

“Jeremy.” Sam corrected, smiling towards his son with love in his eyes. Gabriel started unpacking the groceries he had bought. As suspected Sam had next to nothing in his fridge. Heck, even his pantry where lacking anything that could make for a quick meal besides from loads of different kinds of formulas.

“And no, he is not. Everything else is.” He sighed. It was a tired sound. “And the few nights where I am able to sleep he wakes up. But mostly he is sleeping well. I just… I worry.”

Gabe stretched to get the cans with tomatoes and beans into the pantry. God, the kitchen was made for a giant like Sam and not someone like him.

“What do you worry about?” Gabriel asked softly.

Sam kept his hazel eyes on the kid and did not answer, so the older beta decided to change the topics.

“How are things going with the kid?” He was thanking god or whoever when that question put a smile on Sam’s face.

“Well. His doctor is very positive. He has gained weight like he should, develops like he should.” Sam preened proudly and for the first-time Gabriel saw some of his old friend behind the exhausted shell.

“I am going to cook you dinner, and you are going to have a nap while I am doing so.” He ordered, shushing Sam each time he tried to protest until he just stood there with the look of an offended teenager on his face. Winchesters were so damned stubborn.

“You need the rest, Samsquatch.” Gabriel’s look softened as he looked over at the kid. Sam had way too much on his shoulders for his age. It was not the first time that Gabe wished he could take away that burden or pain, just letting Sam have some of the freedom that he never had tasted.

Sam opened his mouth as to counter that, but then just nodded tiredly.

“You know anything about kids, Gabriel?”

“Believe it or not, but I do.”

“Huh. Wake me if you guys need anything. There is formula in the pantry – just follow the instructions, diapers in the bathroom, toys… toys everywhere and if he needs a nap I have the stroller in the living room.” Sam walked as close to Gabriel as they had been since that night in the hospital. Gently he handed over the small child like he was afraid that Gabe were to break him. It was obvious that he only agreed to it because he was so sleep deprived that he was swaying gently when standing still.

“I think I got us covered.” He promised, looking down at the kid in his arms. Jeremy was starring wide-eyed at him, but then, babies often did that because they were unable to focus.

Sam shifted his weight around a few times, looking like he hated the thought of leaving his pup with Gabriel, but after a while he sighed and walked into the bedroom. Jeremys eyes followed his father as he moved but the kid did not react to his father walking away.

 

Sam ended up napping through a bottle, burbing, a change of diaper and an infant being very unhappy about being placed in his sit-me-up on the floor. Gabriel ended up placing baby and sit-me-up on the kitchen table so Jeremy could follow what happened. That seemed to do the trick if he kept talking while cooking.

Heck, he rambled around. Telling the kid the recipe he used, talking about the different veggies, how to use knifes, which herbs he used. While cakes were his specialty, he was good at cooking.

“You know, kiddo. I tried to learn your uncle Cas to cook when he came to live with me, but that alpha has less than zero skills in a kitchen.” Jeremy blew a spit-bubble with a happy noise which Gabriel assumed was his way of agreeing. “I mean, he once forgot to add water before boiling pasta. And another time he overcooked it so much that it had consistency of mashed potatoes. Even your daddy is not that horrible in a kitchen, I hope. Maybe he will learn, now that he has you to cook for? If not, I could teach you how.”

“I think I take that as a compliment.” Groggy-eyed and with messy hair Sam entered the kitchen, smiling towards Gabriel.

“Whatever.” He shrugged as Sam picked up his Babyboy and started talking to him with weird noises and short words. Then Gabriel turned around and continued his cooking.

As it turned out, Gabriel was a lot more effective when not talking to an infant during his cooking process. It did not take him long to whip up the last pieces of the meal or setting the table, as Sam apparently questioned his kid about how ‘uncle Gabe’ had treated him.

 “You are spoiling me.” Sam sighed when Gabriel ordered him to sit down and eat.

“No. I am taking care of you.” Gabriel corrected him without thinking about it. Sam had no answer for that, so the older man proceeded to hand over a portion of stir-fried rice, chicken and veggies. Simple, filled with vitamins and fresh. He had a feeling that Sam had lived of take-away and noodles since Jeremy had been born. At first he had spent most of his time at the hospital, and getting the kid home could not exactly make it any easier to get time to cooking.

They were silent for a while, simply enjoying the food.

 

“Why do you care, Gabriel?” Sam asked, biting over a slice of broccoli.

“I never stopped caring.” He smiled gently. “You were the one shutting me out, not the other way around.”

“Yeah, that is what I mean.” The long-haired beta pointed at him with his fork. “You should not care. I left. I blew my chances. For love, for friendship. I don’t deserve you caring, Gabriel.”

“That is not true. I were mad at you… I stopped being that at you a long time ago, Sam. It was… hard, I guess. Especially when your first attempt at contact was ‘hey I have a girlfriend because I want to fake-pretend that I am perfectly straight’… But I also realized that it had nothing to do with me. I know how you were raised. Hell, I have been talking with Cas often enough to know that you and Dean pretty much had no-Winchester-man-likes-men beaten into your skulls with seven-inch iron nails. And I get that it is not exactly something that you just get over.” Gabriel sighed, stabbing a piece of chicken and chewing while considering his words.

“But I still cared. Seeing you with Jessica. That hurt… But I made it work. I guess you could say that I moved on. I were surprised that you called me, asking me to get to the hospital, and I have kept in the background for the past weeks to give you time and space to heal and get to know your son.” He explained.

Sam was obviously listening, fork still pointed in Gabriel’s direction.

“Seeing you like this, worries me.” Gabe pointed out. “I was considering this already at the hospital, but I figured that it was too early to offer, everything considered. I would like you to move in with me. Or let me move in here. Whatever works better for you, really.”

Sam opened his mouth as if he were to answer. Gabriel took that as a cue to continue.

“You need help, Sammy. You are barely managing. You look as if you are freaking sleep-walking, and from what Cas has told me this is not just today. You have nothing in your pantry to eat and you also smell like you should have showered days ago. Don’t try to tell me that you are fine. You are not.”

Before the younger man could protest he continued: “I get that moving in with someone is a big step. But this is only to help you out with Jeremy. You Winchesters want to do everything yourself, but you don’t have to. I want to help. And that would be a hell of a lot easier if we lived together.”

Gabriel leaned back, arms crossed. He knew he had thrown a bomb out there and that Sam would possibly need quite some time to consider, but it made sense seen from his perspective. Having someone to help, to get a full night of sleep once in a while, a few decent meals a week… He could make life so much easier for Sam, if the younger man would let him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, ok, thought about this a lot. Would Gabe be the one to throw of a suggestions like that? I figured hell yes!


	7. Sam is also a Winchester

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As all know, Winchesters are known for being stubborn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The please!verse series has just passed the 100.000 words mark with this chapter. Thank you SO much for joining me. Thank you so much for staying, for each kudo or comment. It means the world to me.

To say that Gabriel’s suggestion had shocked Sam was quite an understatement. He had been surprised already when the older beta had asked to come over, having no idea why he did so all of a sudden. It had seemed so random. But getting a nap without worrying about his kid had been amazing, and even though it had only been a few hours he had felt refreshed.

Rationally Sam could see where Gabriel were coming from. It was a reasonable suggestion, given how horrible he had handled the time that had passed since he lost Jessica. If Cas had told Gabriel just a little, he would know about the amounts of night where Sam had been crying his heart out at his and Dean’s dinner table after the kids had been put to bed. How exhausted, frustrated and unhappy he was. Heck, even if he had not, Gabriel would have no trouble reading the lines in his face, how he almost looked like he had been hit with sleep deprivation. Sam knew his clothing were hanging off his body, that his collarbone was just a tad too visible at the opening of the t-shirt. Time for cooking was not really there, and most of the time he felt nauseous from sleep deprivation or maybe too much caffeine.

Emotionally was a different talk. Just by _considering_ the option he somehow felt like he was cheating on Jessica. Letting the man he had been in love with their entire relationship help out with their kid? It felt wrong just thinking about it.

Seeing Gabriel with a child, easy navigating the role as protector did something to Sam that he refused to think about. Something warm and fussy. He wanted to see that every damned day and he knew better than to think he deserved so.

 

“I… I don’t know Gabe.” He mumbled, looking away, awkwardly. It had taken him way too long to come up with that answer, and he knew it. He did not want to see the face of disappointment, so he kept his eyes on Jeremy who just stared at him. God knew what the kid felt about the situation. Not so much at the time, Sam reasoned, but what would he think if he grew up with two daddies?

“I know it is a lot, Sam. But you cannot convince me that you are doing fine on your own.”

“I am not trying to.” He answered with a sigh. “It is just a lot all of a sudden.”

“Yes.” Gabe agreed, trying to catch his gaze. “I am aware that it is exactly that… How about I get over here once or twice a week for a starter? You can get some naps and some decent food and get used to the thought?”

“As friends?”

“As friends.” The older beta confirmed, smiling when Sam finally lifted his eyes to meet the honey-gold ones. “I just want to help you out, Sam. Seeing you like this… I don’t like it one bit. While I do believe that you are doing wonderfully as a parent, it obviously does not mean that you are able to care for yourself too…”

 “Okay.” Sam agreed. Maybe he would regret doing so later, but he could not help but to look forward to spent more time with Gabriel along with getting better food and possibly a little more sleep.

“To moving in with me or letting me come visit?” Gabriel smirked at him, already knowing the answer to exactly that.

Sam just grinned and for a moment it felt exactly like nothing had ever gone wrong between them.

 

As it turned out Gabriel was not exactly just cooking for Sam. He also helped out with cleaning and prepared easy just-put-the-shit-in-the-oven-Sam foods for him to eat between the days he came by. It did not take more than two weeks before Dean commented on the fact, that Sam looked a lot better. Sam had admitted that Gabriel came over and cooked for him, causing his big brother to laugh.

His talk about them moving together was still worming around in the mind of Sam. He could easily see the benefits, especially know that he got to taste a little more of the lower man’s skills in a kitchen. Sam could easily see himself living with Gabriel, even though the order of things where a little off. Normally it was dating, living together, then, possibly, kids.

And then there was the fact that Gabe had admitted to still care deeply about Sam. The younger man was a little unsure if the caring also meant that Gabe was in love with him, but he strongly suspected so, seeing the few stolen glances, the way Gabriel leaned towards him, the subtle compliments (mostly towards Jeremy, but still). The worst part where how much he wanted that too, how much he felt like leaning into the touches, letting everything and everyone be damned and just enjoy himself.

But he could not.

Dammit if he had not been frustrated with Dean because of the exact same insecurities. If he had not wanted to raise John from the dead and beat the living shit out of him, getting him to take back his words, so that his older brother could be happy with Castiel. But funny enough, it did not make it any easier to admit the problems with himself or get past it. Cas and Dean were at the least accepted by the wide society, their status’s as alpha and omega ensuring them to produce offspring. Gabriel and Sam could not and a lot of humans would look down upon them because of that.

Sam’s rational mind knew that those people were not worth giving a flying fuck about. But he feared stigmatizing, if not brought upon him, then his child because of his choices. Then it was better to let Jeremy grow up with only one parent, letting him know about his mother, right?

 

…

 

Funny enough Sam had not expected Dean to be supportive of Gabriel coming over several times a week, helping with Jeremy and giving him a break. Well, he should have known his big brother better, he figured. Dean had not reacted when Sam first had mentioned that Gabe sometimes maybe did cook for him, so why would he judge if he came over a little more than that?

“Honestly Sammy? I think it is great. You need the help, and without Jess…” Dean stopped himself with a soft sigh. “Having kids is not easy, you know? And if Gabriel wants to help out, great. Take all the help you can get.”

“So you don’t see it as inappropriate that I am using so much time with someone that older than me?”

“I did when you guys where just screwing around, but back then you were barely old enough to drink a beer legally.” Dean shrugged.

Sam chocked on his tea. When he finally was able to breath normally again, Dean was laughing.

“Did you think I knew nothing of that Sammy?” Dean grinned. “I suspected it, you just confirmed it.”

“Screw you.”

“Watch your mouth, big boy. Wouldn’t want Jeremy to learn swearing that early, would we?”

 

…

 

It took Sam two months. It was a chill and wet Saturday in February when he agreed to move in with Gabriel as in doing it officially.

They had not been dating, per se, but the older man had been visiting (a lot) more than twice a week during January, sleeping on the couch several of the days, taking care of Jeremy in the night so that Sam could get some sleep. Heck, Gabriel practically lived in Sam’s apartment at the start of February anyway, so why not? Sam had no more good excuses. Not as long as their relation continued to be as platonic as it were. An occasional hug, no more than that. Brushes of hands once I a while. Sam was content the way things were.

“Yes.” Sam stated out of the blue, looking at Gabriel with a smirk.

“Yes?” Gabriel repeated, looking just ever so slightly confused for a moment. Then his entire face lid up in the brightest smile Sam had seen. If he had known he would be rewarded with a smile like that, he would have moved in with Gabe a lot sooner.

“Your place or mine?” Gabriel continued to ask.

“Yours, I think. There is room for both of us having a bedroom so you don’t have to take the couch every time. And the location is nicer.” Sam said.

“I agree. When do you want to move your shit?”

“Uh, if Dean and Cas are able to help, in the weekend?” Which reminded him that he possibly should call his brother and tell him the news. Dean knew that he and Gabriel had spent quite some time together and that it had been suggested.

“Perfect, then I will clean out Cas’ old room so you can get that or turn it into a nursery.”

 

While Gabriel cooked, Sam decided on calling Dean.

“Hey Sammy.” Dean picked up after the second ring.

“Hey Dean.” He hesitated for a moment. “Do you guys have any plans for the weekend?”

“No. Well, taking the pups to the park if the weather behaves.” He could almost hear his big brother shrugging. And the tell-me-what-is-going-on that was left unsaid.

“I have agreed to move in with Gabriel.” Sam told his big brother.

“Finally! You guys have been so sickly sweet the past few months! When are you going to update your Facebook status?”

Sam swallowed. “Uh… We are not a couple, Dean.”

“You sure as hell act like it.”

“He is helping me out with Jeremy as you very well know. That is it. Sort requires him to be over a lot.” Sam explained.

“Suuuuure.” Dean laughed. “But we will be over to help you guys over.”

Sam thanked him and ended the call, thinking. Had they really been acting sickening sweet as Dean had put it? He had no idea, nor any idea what to do with that information. After a few moments of thinking he returned to the kitchen where Gabriel was dancing around while cooking. Jeremy seemed entertained by watching him doing that.

“What did Dean-o say?” Gabriel asked, turning his honey-colored eyes towards Sam.

“That we act like a couple.” No, that was not what he had meant to say. But there was not really anything he could do about it.

“Do we?” Gabriel looked amused.

“Apparently we are sickly sweet when seen together.” That made the older beta smirk.

“What can I say? I am irresistible.”

“In your dreams.” Sam rolled his eyes.

“You hurt me Samsquatch.” Gabriel pouted. Sam had to admit he looked cute like that. Just not when the lower man could hear it. Or anyone else for that matter.

 

Using so much time with Gabriel had done nothing to ease his attraction to the smaller, witty and caring man. Quite the opposite. Sam did get to know him better, which were both good and bad. Gabriel could be ridiculous stubborn, opinionated and vocal he was also a lot more than that. Where Sam would have been more than happy with a meal once in a while, Gabriel pretty much took care of everything else too, leaving Sam with just Jeremy. Sam learned that he laughed when insecure and often used jokes to cover if he felt hurt or betrayed or upset. Like Cas, Gabriel had family-issues, a lot of his brothers refusing to have anything to do with him (or Castiel for that matter) because of the fact that they preferred men, secondary genders aside.

Sam was falling hard once again, no matter how little he wanted to admit that. 


	8. Gabriel's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam finally gets his shit to Gabriel's place

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the amount of time this took me - I have been sick, and fever is making my writing even more jucky than it usually is. I had written half a chapter, which I ended up deleting and rewriting, that shitty it was.   
> I am pretty sure that there are some fun mistakes in this chapter. I will revisit and edit at some point, but for now, enjoy!

Moving in with Gabriel should not have been so damned _easy_. Sam had wanted to struggle with it. He had wanted to hate it, but he did not. Could not. Gabriel respected him fully and his need for space. He helped with Jeremy, but did not interfere and respected what decisions Sam made on the behalf of his child. There were a few minor discussions, yes, but they tended to occur after the nights where both had been held awake by a crying child for whatever reason.  Where they already where exhausted and worn out.

Sam had wanted it to be bad so that he could excuse moving out again or at the least make et temporary. But now he was back to study full time, and never had he needed the help as much as he did. Because Gabriel refused to let him pay any rent, he did not need a job. Because of Gabriel he where able to stay for group work some of the days, because he knew his child were taken care of.

Sam had been a wreck the first few days back at school, but Gabe had calmed him, keeping Jeremy at home just so he could send pictures, videos and even let the kid gurgle into the speaker once. The young man had arrived home to a happy, fed, bathed and clothed child. Home.

Having a home… It just did not change how Sam felt. Like he betrayed the one, who should have been the love of his life. Jessica would have been, if Gabriel had not been there first. He knew that. Sometimes he hated Gabriel a little for that, even though it was not his fault, never would be.

Mostly he just hated himself for what he had brought upon his family. If he had not pretended, if he had let her go, she would still be here. She could have had a kid with someone else.

Sam loved his room. He had done the decorations himself, taken what mattered to him. Gabriel had insisted on buying a better mattress for him, claiming that it was a house-warming gift. Sam had tried to resist until he had tried the bed for the first time, that was.

He had most of his books in there, a few on the shelves in the living room. He had pictures of his family. He had a single picture of them together. Jessica all smiles, heavily pregnant, Sam an arm around her, floppy hair and looking happy.

He had an album with pictures of her tugged away too. She had loved those old cameras with film and now where he had the unedited and very real pictures he could show Jeremy, he was grateful. The pictures documenting her pregnancy, all plastered with a wide smile no matter how sick she looked. It was obvious that she had already that early cared for the life inside her womb, and Sam looked forward to show Jeremy how loved he had been, when the pup where old enough to understand that. Well, he had already told the kid everything more than once, just to have something to talk about.

 

“Samsquatch? What is the matter?” Gabriel’s gentle voice brought him back to reality. To the fact that he was starring emptily into the wall. Even though he did not give off his emotions as easily as an alpha or omega, his hunched back, tight muscles, still told the other man everything he needed to know.

“I feel like I am screwing her over.” He admitted, voice almost breaking. Gabriel just turned his honey-gold eyes towards him, keeping his gaze until Sam could no longer.

“I am sorry, Gabe. I know how much you are doing for us. I am grateful, don’t get me wrong…” He ran his fingers through his hair, eyes on his feet. “But I just feel… I feel horrible, like I am somehow cheating by letting you take care of Jeremy. Like I betray Jessica somehow. I don’t know how else to explain this. She should have been the love of my life, she should not have died for a pretend-dream of mine. I wanted to love her, goddamit.”

“You did, Sam.” Gabriel’s voice where low and clear. Demanding almost. Sam looked up. “You did love her. Maybe not as fiercely as you could have, but anyone seeing the two of you together knew that. Maybe it was more of a brotherly love, as a dear friend, but she was loved and very much so by you.”

“She deserved more.” He protested.

The older man sighed. “Maybe so Sam, maybe so. But it does not change that you loved her with everything you could give her. That was enough for her, why is it not for you?”

Sam did not have an answer for that.

“Do you really think she would be mad at you for living with me?”

He shook his head. No. Jessica would have been glad that he had found a housing situation that allowed him to be the best father and student that he could. She had liked Gabriel.

“Then stop beating yourself up for being happy, kiddo.”

Was he happy? Sam thought back at the months that had passed, the comfortable nights with Gabriel, seeing his child grow, taking up the studies… Yes, maybe he was, when he managed to keep the thoughts of Jessica away. He missed her. He missed the long talks in the morning when they both were too lazy to get out of the bed.

“You know, it is alright to be sad, Sam, but there is no use in being so harsh on yourself. She would not blame you for getting yourself together and continue your life. From what I know of her, she would encourage you rather than hold you back.”

And yes, Gabriel were right, he knew that. Jessica had said pretty much the same thing each time he had been beating himself up with John’s death.

“Yeah. I know. It is just hard, you know?”

“Yes… I suppose I do.” Gabriel agreed. For a moment, he just stared at him, obviously hesitating before he grabbed him, hugging him close. And for a moment, Sam let himself enjoy being near Gabriel, breathing in the subtle smell of sweets, flour and Gabe. Breathing in the scent that often enough covered his child and parts of his home.

If one moment became two, who would judge him? Gods knew that he was deprived of physical affection from anyone but his child. Feeling like he was the one being taken care off were nice for a change.

 

Cas came over one of the nights were Gabriel were working a late shift. He had a wedding cake to finish and Sam badly needed to talk to someone who had no feelings smothered all over the place.

“Hello Sam.”

Without hesitation Sam hugged his friend. Hugging had never really been their thing, so half a second passed before Castiel relaxed into the embrace, sensing that Sam needed it.

Jeremy were long asleep, so Sam grabbed a whiskey as they settled in the kitchen.

“I don’t know what to do.” Sam admitted, after downing his first shot. Castiel were merely starring at his. “I am screwed, Cas.”

The blue eyed alpha did not respond, but simply looked at Sam in a way, that made him realize how alike the two brothers could be. It had not been many days since Gabriel had starred at him with same power behind his eyes, making him confess at the least some of his emotions.

“I feel guilty, Cas.” Sam sighed, pouring himself another shot. Alcohol were usually Deans solution to matters, but at that moment he had a hard time seeing why he should not use it too. “I am in love with Gabriel like I should have been with Jessica. I live with him. I am _happy_ living with him. I just feel so goddamned guilty about it. Like I am betraying her memory.”

“Yes, Gabriel told me that you had said something like that.” Cas agreed, watching him as he downed his second shot in favor of pouring a third. “Have you considered that maybe you too would benefit from professional help? You have lost a lot in a short span of time, Sam, and that is not easy to deal with by yourself.”

He managed a non-committable sound.

“You Winchester are truly stubborn.” Cas had a small smile around his lips, but the blue eyes staring at Sam were sad.

“Cheers to that.” Sam agreed, lifting his glass. Castiel lifted his, downing the content.

“Ever thought about how much happier you would be, if you allowed yourself to be so without feeling guilty? Jessica would have wanted you to move on, to find love. To find what you have, that being without the guilt and sadness. Of course, you miss her Sam, but is that a reason to not allow yourself to live your life?”

Sam supposed it was not, rationally thinking, but he just could not get his emotions wrapped around that too. He did however manage to direct the topic to kids instead. It made his day to see how Cas lid up, talking about the progress that the twins made, how different they were, their personalities. They had a lovely night together, Cas sleeping over at the sofa.

 

Living with Gabriel were so damned easy. Except from the fact that Sam wanted to hold him close, kiss him. Make love to him, for that matter. Except the overwhelming feeling of guild that washed over him each time those thoughts stroke his mind. Sam did struggle, but not with moving in. Not with Gabriel. With himself, each damned day. With his desires.


End file.
